“I can't prove that
God doesn't exist, but I'd much rather live in a universe without one.”
Lawrence M. Krauss
As instructed by my stand-in urology consultant, Tori and I
head into town the next day to put our
affairs in order. The first stop is the bank. I need to change all of our
accounts into joint names to make things easier for Tori after my death. It all
seems rather surreal as I explain to the teller why I need to suddenly convert all
of my accounts into a joint-names after all these years as a single account. It
all seems quite easy to deal with emotionally, I may not be at all happy about
my condition, indeed I feel somewhat cheated and I have a lot of self-pity at
the moment, but I am not frightened by my prognosis. After the bank we call in
to the solicitors and make an appointment for the following day to make a new
will.
The next day and the solicitor’s appointment is also fairly
straightforward. I have no special requirements other than insisting on a humanist
ceremony for my funeral. I feel a Christian burial would be highly hypocritical
and most inappropriate. My will is otherwise not complex and both I and the
solicitor are able to discuss my death in a rather matter of fact manner, which
is far less painful an experience than I imagined it would be.
I suspect the surprisingly valiant manner in which I am able
to contemplate my demise with my bankers and solicitors has a direct link to my
lack of religious faith. Thank goodness I’m an atheist I often now think. I’m
really not sure how I could cope with it all if I thought the pain, suffering
and death caused by my disease and numerous other diseases were the sentient
and desired plans of a supposedly just deity. That would be truly terrifying.
If we choose to credit any god with the true wonders of
creation, then it must be for the whole of creation. If we want to sing jolly
little ditties about the creator of all things bright and beautiful then we
must also acknowledge that he is also the designer of deadly parasitic worms
and viruses. The creator of kittens, puppies, fluffy bunnies and pretty flowers
is also the creator of influenza, ebola, herpes B, filarial worms, parasitic
wasps, and toxoplasma gondi. Toxoplasma gondi is a feline parasite that infects
the brains of rodents to make them attracted to cats by causing the host to
actively seek out a cat so that it can be killed and thus allow the parasite to
spread to its preferred host. I will not be worshipping the creator of
toxoplasma gondi on principal.
I find it much easier to accept that all of the above
parasites, viruses and diseases and a million other things including my renal
cell carcinoma are merely the biological results of a universe that has come
into existence through the natural laws of science. Natural laws of physics and
chemistry which permit the evolution of life over millions of years via random
mutations in the genes. Life that has evolved a myriad of different forms on our
planet with no conscious thought or concern about any other of its other inhabitants.
Unlike gods, evolution makes no claims on it’s virtuosity.
As the often imagined creator of the universe must therefore
have a rather twisted and callous outlook perhaps we can put ourselves in the
mind of the religious apologists and try and find another way of excusing the
perverted and cruel elements of his creation. The perennial religious favourite
of putting the blame back on ourselves via freewill doesn’t really wash for
this problem as we clearly did not create any of this ourselves. The only
defence left is therefore that perhaps this marvellous deity just set up the
rules and let it play out. Like the programmer of an AI system, he could have
written the rules, axioms and algorithms, compiled his code and then let it
execute under its own autonomy. If this was the case, then I’d have to conclude
that rather than being a heartless megalomaniac he is just highly incompetent
menace. The third possible option is
simply that no god exists at all. I find this a far more preferable answer to
the the tyrannical or bungling god alternatives. Thankfully this is also the
more evidential and plausible option.
I appreciate that none of these points of view are terribly
original or indeed especially deep thoughts. Theologians have grappled these
concepts for centuries and despite concocting a myriad of excuses and complex
illogical diversions for this clearly observable deviant behaviour, none have
provided a simple clear exoneration. The fact that the over centuries of
scholarship the sharpest minds the Church can amass are unable to provide a
logical rationale to the true cruelty of creation suggest that such a conscious
design is utterly inexcusable.
Being thankful that my condition is not the plan or desire
of any particular divinity makes my condition much easier to accept. It also
makes my eventual demise much easier to come to terms with. After all, I have
no fear of being judged, and potentially punished, by the dubious creator of
Toxoplasma Gondi. I have no reason to concern myself with the myths of heaven
and hell and fret over which destination may be my ultimate fate. My eventual
and inevitable non-existence posses me no angst. Indeed, I imagine the billions
of years after my death will be as painless, carefree and untroubled as the
billions of years prior to my birth, the number of fucks I shall not give after
my death, are without number.
The ultimate bribe of the three main Abrahamic religions is
the promise of eternal life. By introducing the fear of death and the threat of
eternal suffering religion then cleverly assures its own solution that
guilefully cannot be completely logically disproved. The promise of salvation
through eternal life in paradise sounds like an idyllic answer. However, like
Wizards annual winter ditty wishing that is could be Christmas everyday, it
doesn’t take too much thought to realise that this is not a particularly well
thought through idea. I would certainly like to live a lot longer than my
prognosis gives me, but how much longer? An extra twenty to thirty years would
be brilliant, that would bring me up to the expected average and I’d have no
excuse to feel hard done by anymore. If I lived another hundred years perhaps I
would see the advances in science, technology and exploration that I would
dearly love to witness. Maybe even a couple of hundred years would provide a
fascinating view of mankind’s advancement, but these numbers are along way
short of the eternity on offer by monotheism. Inevitably at some point I would
have had enough, I would crave peace and I would desire an end. The denial of
an eventual end point would eventually become an unbearable and callous
torture.
The overwhelming probability there is no god therefore gives
me peace of mind on a number of counts. I have no anxiety that my condition
itself is the design or desire of any conscious being, I have no need to brood
over why a supposed loving god does not cure me, I have no fear of eternal
damnation and I have no worry about the curse of immortality. I really don’t
know how rational people of faith could possible cope with these dilemmas.
That’s not to say of course that I am completely without
worry. My main worry of course is for my wife and children after my death. I
know they will find my death hard and there is little I can do to help with
that. I do however know that they are all strong and sensible people, I know
they will eventually come to terms with my death and be able to get on with the
rest of their lives. It’s also quite reassuring to know that they will forever
carry memories of me with them. I may not be able to do much about the
consequences of my death but the one thing I can however do is ensure they have
no financial concerns after my death and no complicated red-tape to deal with
immediately following my death, those affairs at least, I have been able to put
in order today.
This is all very heartbreaking to read. I've been putting my own affairs in order recently, but it's a bit different. I'm 80 and I've had what's usually called a good innings.
ReplyDeleteI still remember when you very generously drove me both ways to and from the Winchester skeptics. You have a lot of friends and admirers (doesn't help much, I guess, but better than nothing).
David, I think you are incorrect. I think it helps a very great deal.
DeleteAlthough there are prayers and probably biblical references to eternal life in Judaism, it is much less of a thing than Christianity and presumably Islam. Judaism puts its emphasis on what you do in life, not what happens after death. It is also big on how the deceased's memory is how they live on, much as you discuss. Just a clarification, not a defense.
ReplyDelete